change comes from within…….

Often our lives are scary.  As we look inside and deal with the “what”.  There is a fear.  The fear comes from the unknown.  The thought that I may very well shake up the life I know and am comfortable with for an unknown.  We attach security to the known.  At times forgoing happiness.  I’ve recently been informed that if you are doing what makes you truly happy, then you are doing what is right.   (caution: do not confuse with selfish acts in this seek to be happy.)

Those words will lay the foundation as I create me.  I will leave my comfort zone.  I will cast away security.  I looked inside.  I saw the answers.  The answers scare me.

A new…..

She  opened me.  I spoke freely. Unguarded.  For the first time.  I did not push out canned statements of my past or present.  There were no rehearsed stories.  She would see through those.  She simply asked, “Are you happy?”  I couldn’t take it any longer.  I am not happy.  I’m not.  My life is safe.  It’s uneventful.   My existence is merely that.  An existence.  My experiences in the past as a drinker lead me to believe I was living.  I was not.  As I took away going to the bar; this meant I now go no where.  I do not live.  I do not explore.  I make excuses for leading this life.  I’ve replaced alcohol with another vice.  I do not chase goals.  I do not chase a dream.  If I were to die tomorrow; I would not leave behind an unfinished life.  I would leave behind a life un-lived.

It happened about six months into my recovery.  I had my first major epiphany.  Was I happy with the life I created as a drinker?  The answer was right there.  NO.  As quick as it came; I sent it away.  I was and am scared.  Since that day I’ve paused my recovery.  I am still sober.  I have not been doing what needs to be done to live this way.  To change in this way.

She says it’s easy to live life how you chose to.  To live it how it makes one happy.  I see how easy it could be.  I’m scared to go there.  I know where it goes.  I know I need to find or create me.  I have not done that.  I am a random strung together piece of ideas of others.  My direction in life was charted by those who came in and out of my life.  That is how I arrived at this point here.  I did what others asked of me for fear of disappointing them.  I asked nothing of myself.  I did not disappoint myself.  Yet, she says, it is WE who we should try to not disappoint the most.

I’m tired of fighting with me.

out of the funk….. I think…

Turning 30 was obviously a big deal to me….  I’m more comfortable with it and moving on.  It’s just a number… more to follow.

funk….

turning 30? the holidays? motivation to finish projects? fear to start projects?  Just a dirty down funk.  The holiday were the best ever so far.  I’m finally comfortable with me in a family environment.  It was fun to interact.  So far the holiday season has been great.  I think it’s more the turning 30 and not having accomplished any of my personal goals.  The more I focus on it, the more depressed I get.  The more down i get the less i want to start any project.

So “I spot it, I got it” right?  Not that easy to break the mental walls down sometimes.  I need to focus on the prayer.  I need to walk in the shadow of G-d.  Do what needs to be done.  Release the fear.  Let Go.

Friends?

Why would you miss it?  It’s a huge day for her.  And you want to call us friends?  Yet, while we’re celebrating the release of her first book, you’re getting drunk.  It’s 1:00 on a Saturday and you can’t make it cause you’re drunk?  I’m confused.  I’m hurt.

My wife wrote a book….

Dear this one will go on for days.  My wife wrote a book.  A children’s book.  She is in a Masters program.  The class was H2IK, it did something about  getting published.  So she had to research which type of book she would write.  And walk it through the process.  She elected to do a children’s book.  After reading her report on her research for her book and the techniques involved with the speech pattern and repetition and (run on sentence).  Anywho, she does it up, doesn’t illustrate the book but writes out what each page would look like.  Well, her parents got it published for her.  Awesome.  Carrie and I believed that was the end of it.  It would be out there for people to purchase.  Her dad has a different idea.  He wants us to really market this book.  So I’m learning.  Sales, publishing, distributing, taxes, inventory, graphic design, and web design.  The last one brought me to word press.  My wife’s dad hired their cousin E to put up the site. (he does it for a living)  As he was building it, I saw the powered by wordpress at the bottom.  So research began.  He just used a theme from here.  It’ll be fun.  It’s overwhelming.  We’re still trying to squeeze family time into this.

Come and gone

My 30th birthday has come and gone.  Waking up 30 and realizing so many personal goals have not been achieved was, well, brutal.  The worst part was knowing that I didn’t finish them.  How is it easy, or seem easy, for others to finish goals and follow through.  I fall short time and time again.  I cannot follow through.  30.  I’ve just begun to realize life. 30. I’ve just begun to realize who I want to be.  30.  I’ve just begun to live.

November has arrived

With it, I’m ever approaching 30.  4 days from now.  It’s not the “oh I’m turning 30.” that is bothering me.  It’s what I thought I would have done by now.  Yet, I made no attempt in my earlier years to accomplish it.  I can put it off, put it off.  I’ll start next semester.  That is a recurring theme in my life.  I need to start and finish school.

Waffles.

It is joyful to wake up and make waffles from scratch with my daughter.  It’s the simple things….

Sense of Peace…

It’s everyday that I struggle here.  Is it my passion?  My strive for perfection?  My self-centeredness?  It seems as though when things are not going my way, or the way I would have them, at work my day is shot for a few.  I have to take time to relax.  Most of the time the decision maker is clueless to the user level.  I see them as unreasonable.  It is here I use the serenity prayer.  Time and time again.